THE LORDS OF SALEM

year: 2013 cast: Sheri Moon Zombie, Bruce Davison, Dee Wallace, Meg Foster rating: *

Writer/Director Rob Zombie, whose 1990’s death metal sounded like the Devil himself had his very own rock band, serves up yet another cinematic gore fest: Whether you liked or loathed Rob's HALLOWEEN remake, HOUSE OF 1,000 CORPSES or THE DEVIL’S REJECTS, these were motion pictures – actually more exploitation than horror – that at least took themselves seriously and most important, had a fanatical audience to consider.

THE LORDS OF SALEM feels more like an art-house music video paying dreary homage to classics like THE SHINING, as most of the story takes place in a hotel with each day of the week separating every other scene; THE EXORCIST, wherein a vulnerable female gets possessed and is aided by an older man with possible answers; and whatever devil worship cult flick you can think of, but for thematic purposes only.

Rob’s wife Sheri Moon plays Heidi Hawthorne, of three Salem Rock N’ Roll DJs, but Heidi's the only name on the old wooden box where a record from a band called THE LORDS OF SALEM is kept. When the main track is played… either in her room or on the air… bad things happen, mostly centering on three witchy old sisters (including the hotel landlord), who stand around as if posing for a Gothic photo shoot. Meanwhile Bruce Davison, as a Salem novelist/historian, attempts an intervention that fails miserably. Leaving poor Heidi (resembling a demonic voodoo doll Hamburgler) with a spaced-out expression and surreal dreams more interesting than her real life nightmare. Meanwhile, sporadic flashbacks occur of the original Salem witches writhing naked around a fire pit, and none of these grotesque gals are a wee bit scary, just really gross and, befitting everything else, ultimately pointless.