IMMORTALS

title: IMMORTALS
year: 2011
cast: Henry Cavill, John Hurt, Stephen Dorff
rating: *1/2

While it’s common for gladiator movies to have people looking like they’re straight from a modeling agency, never has one been so replete with perfectly chiseled male and female supermodels seeming fresh from a personal training session. But the problem is the setting; basically a mountaintop where there’s never any sense of adventure i.e. our heroes have nowhere else to go.

The plot has evil King Hyperion, played by a grisly Mickey Roarke in scarred, distracting makeup, seeking an important weapon in order to free the titans, which would then cause… bad stuff to happen. Which it does, but only the third act harbors any sort of meaningful battle – although with so many men fighting at once, it’s never personal enough to merit our hero Theseus (Henry Cavill) as being any more than a skillful warrior in a video game.

The other characters are one-dimensional and dull, including posturing beauty Frieda Pinto as the virginal "McGuffin" (a device driving the plot that no one pays attention to) and John Hurt as a narrating old man who turns into a young Zeus – yet another G.Q. pinup.

Stephen Dorff’s Stavros is almost interesting – a cocky antihero the likes of Han Solo – but he soon becomes part of the vicious blender of gory C.G.I. that’s too over-the-top to look realistic, happening amongst quick-paced MATRIX style slow-motion karate... raising the question: When and where did this ancient race study Bruce Lee films?

So here’s yet another movie about gods and titans taking itself way too seriously: the thunderous soundtrack and explosive effects outshining the characters, who, lacking any real depth, motivation, or purpose, seem like shiny pieces on an overpriced chessboard.