Written by / 7/16/2013 / 1 Comment / ,

AFTER THE SUNSET: DOOMED CINEMATIC RELATIONSHIPS

Emilio Estevez and Ally Sheedy in THE BREAKFAST CLUB
Newly reformed anti-bullying but still popular jock Andrew brings cleaned-up teenage bag lady Allison to to a party. She’s dressed to the nines but something is (still) off with this formerly wacko Goth chick.

“Dude, your girlfriend is really cute and all, but she just stole half the team’s wallets and right now, as I speak, she’s outside screaming like a banshee and making snow angels… in the swimming pool!”
Richard Gere and Julia Roberts in PRETTY WOMAN
Here’s a little piece of an argument in the future marriage of Edward and Vivian...

“You’re a selfish prick – all you think about is money.”
“Oh yeah! Well at least I didn’t bang guys for it!”

That’s it… The divorce bells are ringing… He’s used her sordid past to win every argument!
Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher in THE ORIGINAL STAR WARS TRILOGY
Okay so we’ll see how this marriage pans out in the upcoming sequels, but Han and Leia will be so old it really won’t matter – we would have missed all the arguments between a former smuggler born to lose and a princess born with a silver spoon in her mouth.

“I can care less about the Kessel run: you need to have a real job and follow the damn rules!”
And after they have children, where will Chewbacca sleep, in the doghouse?
Audrey Hepburn and Rex Harrison in MY FAIR LADY
Oh we just love those May/December relationships… The older gent teaching the young beauty how to be classy…

But wait until the first big sophisticated party, when Eliza Doolittle-Higgins meets a bevy of young rich men and learns, all by herself, how to flirt and eventually, cheat…

So long, Henry Higgins! This unfair lady's got more phone numbers than J. Edgar Hoover!
John Cusack and Diane Franklin in BETTER OFF DEAD
Heck, even the cutest couple in 80’s cinema can’t go around that whole VISA/Student thing…

“Well Lane, you can move here to France since you were better off dead here in America… But as a guy who only has experience working burger stands, we recommend you stay in America.”
Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta in GREASE
When their car finally lands the couple has to answer answers because of this phenomenal occurrence… Automobiles usually don’t just up and fly, especially in the 1950’s…

Then, after a year, Sandy and Danny move to Australia so he won’t hang out with a bunch of thugs… Only he started his own gang: THE DOWN-UNDERS…

While Sandy, back to being a prissy missy after slutting-out to win over the brute at the graduation carnival, wishes she married a local boy, perhaps a shepard... Hell, even a crocodile hunter has a steadier job than this duck-tailed (and eventually beer-bellied) bum...
Mary-Louise Weller and John Belushi in ANIMAL HOUSE
Well let’s just say Senator Bluto and wife were doing fine until he started eating golf balls at the Country Club…

This is when the gorgeous and classy Mandy Pepperidge-Blutarsky wound up realizing she could find a man with much better taste…
Uma Thurman and Ving Rhames in PULP FICTION
One night, Mia Wallace turns her to husband, Marcellus, who hasn't been quite himself lately, and says:

“Alright honey, I came clean about the overdose. But you never did tell me what happened at that pawn shop…”
Jamie Lee Curtis and Dan Aykroyd in TRADING PLACES
While Dan and Jamie’s marriage in MY GIRL would probably last since both are boring and content and have a daughter to raise…

This marriage would fail for the same reason as the PRETTY WOMAN post above…
Stephen Collins and Persis Khambatta in STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE
Decker chose a beautiful bald woman named Ilia instead of a job as second-banana on the Starship Enterprise, but then realizes:

“Where the hell are we? This isn’t Earth! I want a grilled cheese sandwich! And for God's sake, why doesn’t your hair grow!!!”
DOOMED CINEMATIC RELATIONSHIPS BY JAMES M. TATE
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