DARREN ARONOFSKY DIRECTS NOAH

year: 2014 rating: **

If you think building a giant boat that will protect a few selected humans from God’s forty day/forty night torrent, or the pairing up of every animal, including reptiles, is detailed that much in director Darren Aronofsky’s fantastical epic, think again… All these important elements occur as quickly as falling raindrops… 

Thanks to giant spiderlike rock trolls – formerly fallen angels who have risen from the Earth – constructing the Ark is easy enough. The real task is Noah himself... will he ever come to his senses? Figuring God must want all humans dead, eventually, Russell Crowe’s bearded prophet becomes more of a tormented villain than a Biblical icon, and as doggone stubborn as two mules put together.

Once the Ark is built, and the Trolls have battled hordes of evil men wanting a free ride, and the floods have taken over completely, scenes where Noah’s vengeful middle child is tempted by a nefarious stowaway provides the only suspense. Meanwhile, the best visual shows Creation as Noah tells the story around a cozy on-deck fire… This is about the only time dad gets any respect from his family, all on the verge of mutiny, and then some.  

While it’s understandable that poetic license must be taken when basing an entire motion picture from a surprisingly few amount of verses, it seems Aronofsky’s either making the flood story seem as engagingly farfetched for Believers as the Bible itself is to Non-Believers, or perhaps he simply wanted to direct a big budget disaster film for everyone, no matter what their religion or lack of. But NOAH is much too slow and brooding for its own good…

What we can use right now is some old school Charlton Heston: over-the-top or not, that man delivered!