Written by / 10/23/2013 / No comments / , , , , , , , , , , , ,

DUTIFULLY DEFENDING THE DISASTER OF 'JAWS 3D'

Theme park hotties Holly Lisker, Laura Tracy and Melody Gold as tunnel girls in JAWS 3D Year: 1983
Just when you thought it was safe to go back... to Sea World!? A Deadly New Attraction, indeed, and who’d have thought the third JAWS would abandon Amity Beach to take place at an oceanic theme park, relying on 3D to make stuff ranging from dolphins, killer whales, spears and sea monster decorations come at you on the big... or at this point, small screen...

Directed by Joe Alves, the former production assistant who brought the shark to life in the first two outings (and can be very fitfully deemed The Wizard of Jaws), this isn’t as bad as 1980's cinematic history may lead you to believe... 
And the real star of the movie is the killer three dimensional great white shark of JAWS 3 
Liken to the myriad of Jaws-Clones before and after, ranging from ORCA to ALLIGATOR to SLUGS, it's been more or less the same character template coinciding with the original 1975 summer blockbuster; and so, in this case...

Dennis Quaid is the Roy Scheider, not only because he’s in charge of the park the way Chief Brody partially ran Amity Island, but he’s Mike Brody, the oldest son who dog-paddled in the estuary/pond while his coach got eaten.
What's scarier, the shark or Bess Armstrong's hairdo?
Richard Dreyfuss, the shark expert Hooper, returns in the form of Bess Armstrong as Dr. Kay Morgan, who lives with Mike... Instead of being into sharks, she's "in dolphins" and/or gentle killer whales...

Kay’s the ringleader who, with the help of real Sea World trainer Liz Morris, makes the jovial dolphins leap to cheering crowds… She also replaces Lorraine Gary, who played the Chief’s wife. And as a headstrong female character, Kay's something to admire... When the time comes to kill the shark after the theme park is under attack, she's the man!
"Call that a shark? ... Now that's a shark!"
Murray Hamilton’s selfish Mayor... combined with JAWS 2 businessman Joseph Mascolo... has morphed into Louis Gosset Jr. as entrepreneurial mogul Calvin Bouchard: No matter what kind of threat lurks, or how many employees go missing, Calvin wants to keep his theme park open for financial gain... Sound familiar?

And while Captain Quint, played brilliantly by the scene-stealing Robert Shaw, was the shark hunting rogue, we have Simon MacCorkindale’s ambiguous hot shot Philip FitzRoyce, who will do anything for a buck and most of all, media coverage… Think of FitzRoyce as Captain Quint combined with Geraldo Rivera: he's the kind of guy you're supposed to love and hate. Also included is Mike’s little brother… You might remember him making faces at daddy during the heartfelt dinner scene in the original…
"Mom, dad, his name's Calvin... Calvin Brody."
Mike's now in his twenties and, visiting his brother at the theme park and still afraid of the water (because of the sailboat-caravan trauma in JAWS 2), he hooks up with Kelly, the cutest water-ski girl of the lot and played by a pre-fame Lea Thompson... She and Mike hit it off way too fast, and while Lea provides dandy eye-candy to the proceedings (Bess is more of the thinking man's hottie), little brother is the most annoyingly disposable character.

The 3D device aside, the movie has a large scope with a grainy, slick dynamic… Almost as if it were filmed in the wide-screen 70’s… And this is not the usual JAWS style venture despite the similar character template, but more of a Disaster Film, setting up the “perfect” location that, despite all the work and ambition, is doomed from the start…
"Eat them up, yum..."
The formidable Carcharodon Carcharias, in the film’s vapid intro, beheads a fish... Unlike the groundbreaking prologue of the original, when Chrissie gets pulled around like a rag doll... or the Orca boat divers being attacked in the sequel... this is one of the worst and weakest openings in film history…

And yet, despite its formidably maligned reputation, there are actually some worthwhile aspects to this third JAWS including a decent setup for the characters, each having an important part of the storyline.
No this isn't a scene from an underwater version of TRON...
The near-future Sea World has an underground structure allowing people to see normal sized sharks and other big fishes swimming around… In one scene Mike and Kay investigate a sunken boat by use of a mini submarine...

Meanwhile, up above, montage sequences of bikini girls waterskiing (during practice and the real thing) and stock footage of dolphins and killer whales bring you right into the location, making for an assortment of filler moments that are relaxing and, albeit pointless, fun to watch.
And the shark approaches in wonderful 3D with a Shark Score of ***1/2
Okay so this isn’t much of a review… For a movie that’s been deemed one of the worst sequels ever, it’s not that horrible. The main problem is the often dull script, which meanders at times, leading to a wannabe Irwin Allen climax... The action sequences (when our heroes go after the shark) are edited shoddily, and the body count victims beforehand are killed in an uncreative, awkward fashion…

And while, for the sake of implied-suspense, it's good to not see the shark too much, but in this case, he... or rather, she... or in this particular middle-twist scenario... they... needed much more screen time, overall.
Son of a Sheriff is thinking: "Smile you son of a..."
JAWS 3D's Liz Morris is not only cute, she's an actual Sea World employee
"I see a script... THE RIGHT STUFF... Man I should start filming because this is nowhere."
JAWS 3 DVD signed by Lou Gossett Jr. and Joe Alves with his shark logo
Big bad mama stalks the theme park's underwater structure
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