MICHAEL FASSBENDER IS AN AGENT ON ICE IN THE SNOWMAN

Year Released: 2017

You know the tune, that Video killed the radio star... And Cable television is strangling Theatrical Releases, and if they keep turning out the likes of BLADE RUNNER 2049 and  SUBURBICON, we're all gonna save tons of money on soda and popcorn...

SnowScore: 1/2

This SNOWMAN is promoted as a sort of horror/thriller hybrid involving a serial killer that leaves his signature snowman doodle after each death, and there's a real/actual, eerie looking snowman too, and none have anything to do with the story at hand, which is almost completely absent through the long, ponderous two hours of an investigating Michael Fassbender standing around, breathing visible sighs in the freezing snow, or shivering indoors, either conversing with his pretty-plain partner about... a lot of first and last names and/or clues leading nowhere — that don't seem like clues at all...

The one character with potential is a wan and sickly looking Val Kilmer — speaking in what sounds like someone else's voice — as a sort of rogue, Bogart-like Noir detective of some kind, and he doesn't last long. We're left with a dull Fassbender waiting for the next boring and — to try making up for it — grotesquely violent murder scene in a picture literally as cold as and even more unenlightening and pointless than the Tom Hardy serial killer on ice, CHILD 44. And because of these kind of alternative avant-garde flicks being more of a letdown than a typical fly-by-night blockbuster, it's really the best choice to stay at home: Because nothing's worse than being stuck in an indie purgatory while avoiding big budget crapola, which feels like ditching school in a library. Thus THE SNOWMAN is truly one of the worst experiences had in a theater.  There's just no reason for this kind of torture!