Written by / 8/19/2011 / No comments / , ,

CONAN THE BARBARIAN (2011)

title: CONAN THE BARBARIAN
year: 2011
cast: Jason Momoa, Stephen Lange, Ron Perlman, Rachel Nichols
rating: *

After a pointless introduction by none other than the narration king himself, Morgan Freeman, we have Conan “born into battle” – his dying mother literally giving birth on a battlefield, and his father, played by log-jawed Ron Perlman, in no danger whatsoever as swords clack and blood sheds all around him – thus lifting his baby like “Kunta Kinte” and proclaiming him “Conan.” This is followed by Conan the Preteen, with a pretty yet snarling face, as he fights off growling aggressors but is no match for evil pillager Khalar Zym, who needs one piece of a mask to become… super evil. Long story short... like the John Milius/Arnold Schwarzenegger film, the baddie kills Conan’s sole parent, catapulting the of-age Conan: stronger, tougher but still just as pretty... looking more like Conan the Barbizon Institute… in seeking revenge against Zym, his henchman, and the worst character in the film – Rose McGowan as Zym’s gothic, witchy daughter. The action scenes are sporadic, filmed so close-up and quick it’s all but a flurry of flesh, impossible to keep track. And one character mentions the Barbarian’s eclectic past: slaying for fun, sailing with pirates, and being a renown thief. It’s too bad we couldn’t partake in these adventurous hobbies – like the original stories by Robert E. Howard – instead of being saddled with a pointlessly searing tale about our semi-muscular hero keeping a young, pure-blooded maiden out of the antagonist’s clutches. Jason Momoa portrays Conan like he’s imitating his favorite sword and sorcery hero from a cable TV series, which this entire mess is reminiscent of, save for the banal ultra-violence and big budget effects that, with little to no story backing it up, means nothing in the end. And a message to Hollywood: Next time juggle some of Howard’s passionately brutal stories into your next film – or adapt his only full-length novel, HOUR OF THE DRAGON… and you might just have something.
Share This Post :
Tags : , ,

No comments:

Post a Comment

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.

Featured Post

ROBERT FORSTER VS THE JAWS OF 'ALLIGATOR' W/ ROBIN RIKER

Poster art for Lewis Teague's ALLIGATOR Year: 1980 Of all JAWS-clones, ALLIGATOR is the most original, and, the second written by Jo...

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Most Popular Last Year

WWW.CULTFILMFREAKS.COM

WWW.CULTFILMFREAKS.COM
Movie Reviews, Interviews & Pop Culture ranging from White Heat to Blue City

FOR TELEVISION REVIEWS

LIKE US ON FACEBOOK

TOTAL HITS

Popular Trending

FOUNDED BY JAMES M. TATE

FOUNDED BY JAMES M. TATE
RANDOM QUOTE: "Maybe you're too pure, Paul. Too pure for the natural impurities of the law." Arthur O'Connell to James Stewart in Otto Preminger's Anatomy of a Murder

Blog Archive

ETERNAL ART OF FILM NOIR

FAVORITES SHORTLIST

MOVIES 1)THE FEARMAKERS 2)JAWS 3)THE CROWDED SKY 4)HOT CARS 5)RAIDERS FROM BENEATH THE SEA 6)VIOLENT SATURDAY 7)ONCE UPON A TIME IN HOLLYWOOD 8)THE MAN FROM LARAMIE 9)CANYON PASSAGE 10)SHARKS' TREASURE 11)AIR PATROL 12)EASY LIVING 13)CURSE OF THE DEMON 14)HARDCORE 15)WICHITA 16)WILLIAM CONRAD'S BRAINSTORM 17)KILLER FISH 18)ANATOMY OF A MURDER 19)WHITE HEAT 20)FALLEN ANGEL 21)AL CAPONE 22)THE SERGEANT 23)THE DEFECTOR 24)CANYON RIVER 25)WHERE THE SIDEWALK ENDS

ACTORS 1)DANA ANDREWS 2)JAMES CAGNEY 3)MARLON BRANDO 4)ORSON WELLES 5)JACK NICHOLSON 6)PETER O'TOOLE 7)TOM COURTENAY 8)CHARLES BRONSON 9)GENE HACKMAN 10)STEVE COCHRAN DIRECTORS 1)JACQUES TOURNEUR 2)RICHARD FLEISCHER 3)STANLEY KUBRICK 4)ORSON WELLES 5)OTTO PREMINGER 6)MAURY DEXTER 7)JOHN GUILLERMIN 8)JOHN LANDIS 9)MICHAEL WINNER 10)SAM PECKINPAH ACTRESSES 1)VIRGINIA MAYO 2)FAYE DUNAWAY 3)SUE LYON 4)GENE TIERNEY 5)MERRY ANDERS

SCIENCE-FICTION STUFF

Popular This Month

OUR OWN CORNERSTONE

OUR OWN CORNERSTONE
Open the door to DANA ANDREWS Cinema

DANA ANDREWS FACEBOOK

BLOGS OF INTEREST

STARING INTO THE SIXTIES

RARITIES & EXPLOITATION

All Time Popular

KICKING IN THE EIGHTIES

TALES AND REFLECTIONS

TALES AND REFLECTIONS
"Really cool and a lot of class." Yaphet Kotto

TARGETING THE SEVENTIES

RETURN TO THE HOMEPAGE