OMFG AVOID THE BFG YOU WON'T LYFAO

Wherein the last new movie reviewed, INDEPENDENCE DAY RESURGENCE, had no second act, this catastrophe has no first act: The ball gets rolling before we know why, only who...

That being a little girl in an orphanage with an open window peering out into shadowy, cobbled English streets and then a giant who, it turns out, isn't so giant after all, stealing her away to his lair where, living up to his name, Big Friendly Giant, he protects her from the mean and hungry giant-giants outside, in their plush green valley, but what the hell – he kidnapped her in the first place...

Score: 1/2

It takes about twenty long minutes for the duo to supposedly get to know each other. It feels like a nightmare CGI stage play in purgatory, the giant speaking like a mentally challenged Yoda reciting Shakespeare on Ludes and resembling a twisted old codger pedophile while the Spielberg touch, of making little kids seem like little adults, just isn't there in child actress Ruby Barnhill; not because she can't act... she's alright in that department... but she doesn't seem like part of a story at all, reacting to what feels like a Green Screen void. By the time they venture outside, and the not-so-giant giant is bullied by the really big boys on his way to his job, of capturing dreams, THE BFG has already run its course...

With attempts by Spielberg to maneuver his camera in the usual fantastical style, trying to, like his good movies, make us feel involved in the action as it takes place, stock maestro John Williams doesn't miss a note to cover every single pointless step, bounce, trounce and pounce in this convoluted mess that makes HOOK seem like RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK and could very well be the worst... T-H-E W-O-R-S-T... children's movie ever made. The good news is, after completely bombing with a tragic $18 Million Opening, it's already almost completely forgotten, and you can bet it will never acquire a cult following, or even an epitaph.