MURDER ON THE NILE

year: 1978 cast: Peter Ustinov, Mia Farrow, David Niven, Lois Chiles rating: ****

It’d be a crime to give too much away here, and reviewing a mystery takes a subtle approach. That being said, this is a thoroughly entertaining movie that builds suspense, is loaded with dry humor and best yet, gorgeous scenery of Africa: from the Nile to the pyramids to the camel-riding countryside.

Director John Guillermin wields the right amount of finesse to show each character as not only possible suspects but folks you’d never trust in a contained setting. In this case a Ferry rolling down the Nile with a millionaire countess who’s just run off with her sister’s handsome boyfriend. Here’s a warning for anyone about to commit the perfect murder: make sure a world-renowned sleuth isn’t in your midst.

Peter Ustinov is Hercule Poirot, the German… or make that Belgium... mastermind who, unassuming in looks and mannerisms, always seems to know what’s going on: even though the characters, and the audience, remain in the dark.

Flashbacks to what the characters “could have” done during the murder establishes the passengers as worthy culprits. A miscast Mia Farrow, as the unglued sister, tries too hard while victim Lois Chiles and hubby Simon MacCorkindale fare better amongst the veteran actors including David Niven as Poirot’s right hand man, adding little to the proceedings but it’s nice having him and others including Bette Davis, George Kennedy, Jon Finch, Maggie Smith and Jack Warden around as the clues roll in.

The story doesn’t end once we know the truth: a good half hour after the guilty party’s revealed we learn even more from the brilliant, tubby, underestimated Agatha Christie icon.

ANNIE

year: 1982 cast: Aileen Quinn, Albert Finney rating: ***

“Why a kid would want to be an orphan,” barks the villainous Miss Hannigan, “is beyond me.” Well who can blame the bitter lush: No matter how bad these poor little tykes are treated in that rundown dilapidated orphanage, they're having loads of fun singing and dancing like there’s no… tomorrow! Although this big budget extravaganza’s loaded with great actors like Albert Finney as bald billionaire Daddy Warbucks, Tim Curry as a con artist and Carol Burnett as the bearer of the quote above, Aileen Quinn’s ANNIE steals the show.

Displaying an everygirl persona mixed with a dynamic musical talent, Quinn provides the essential energy for the iconic redhead without lacking pathos and vulnerability. Even when given a dream-week to stay with Daddy Warbucks for his publicity, her true aim is having a real family. Determined to find her original parents, Warbucks makes a radio campaign with a hefty reward – perking ears of the wrong people.

While Annie slowly warms the heart of the steely industrialist, songs break out in just about every-other scene. The tunes are catchy, showcased with incredible dance numbers. The time-period sets look and feel authentic; from poverty stricken streets and alleyways, to the plush Warbucks mansion, veteran auteur John Huston takes us to a polarizing time of haves and have-nots in the Depression-era '30s with vibrant reality.

Although one particular scene, as Warbucks (constantly regarded as a greedy Capitalist) is talked into the New Deal by President Roosevelt, seems distracting from Annie’s personal adventure and borders on propaganda. But we sporadically return to the orphanage where Miss Hannigan and her nefarious brother's plot to recover the reward, which provides the audience – especially the younger ones – a constantly suspenseful edge, making this a kid's movie with just about everything: including a heroine with everything to gain or lose.

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EIGHT IS ENOUGH (SEASON ONE)

year: 1977 cast: Dick Van Patten, Mark Hamill, Diana Hyland  rating: ****

The tragic death of actress Diana Hyland aside, her character Joan Bradford’s departure from EIGHT IS ENOUGH worked for the best. The iconic 1970’s hour-long "dramedy" begins with a bland pilot centering primarily on Tom Bradford, played by everyman Dick Van Patten, and wife Joan struggling to raise eight kids that remain peripheral during the show's kickoff.

Tommy and Nancy are played by different actors, and Mark Hamill, the same year he’d become Luke Skywalker in the blockbuster STAR WARS, is the eldest son, David, who, fed up with the full house, moves out into a bachelor pad. Willie Aames becomes the troubled teenager Tommy in the episodes that follow, and we all remember the cute shaggy-haired youngest, Nicholas (Adam Rich), who's there from the start.

Daughters include the tall gorgeous shallow blond Nancy; lovely young Elizabeth; wannabe actress Joanie; spontaneous tomboy Susan; and the oldest and wisest, Mary.

Mark Hamill seemed too distant (perhaps he was set on fighting the Empire) and Grant Goodeve was the perfect replacement as the "alternate guardian" whenever dad dropped the ball. Which happened quite a bit.

Tom Bradford, whose character became more overwhelmed and important without a wife around, made the kind of errors and misjudgments of an overwhelmed single father (mom's departure's not even regarded) up to his neck in precocious boys and spirited daughters.

After four episodes dealing with “important progressive” topics like teenage pregnancy and women’s rights, we get down home with involving domestic situations.

From being stood up to getting high to shoplifting to breaking windows to chasing dreams, EIGHT IS ENOUGH doesn't feel like watching a family but being part of their daily (and nightly) routine.

WAR OF THE WORLDS

title: WAR OF THE WORLDS
year: 1953
cast: Gene Barry, Ann Robinson
rating: ***1/2

Unlike the classic murky novel and gloomy doomy Steven Spielberg/Tom Cruise reboot, this 1950’s film based on the H.G. Wells tale about vicious Martians invading Earth has a constant light at the end of the tunnel. That’s thanks to our hero, Dr. Forrester, played by the square-jawed Gene Barry, remaining stern and stalwart enough to remind the audience that, despite the odds, the good guys will eventually triumph. Ingénue Ann Robinson, as Sylvia, provides the right amount of breathy starry-eyed reaction. The best scene involves the duo hiding in a cottage while a metallic tentacle with multi-colored eyes enters like a serpent. Director Bryon Haskin wields spooky shadows to make up for what Spielberg over-saturated with overblown computer effects. But that doesn’t mean the monstrous aliens destroying towns with laser beams don’t look cool here, effectively establishing a world about to be pummeled to oblivion. Through use of expository narration and makeshift scientific dialog, suspense builds with a “Six days they will have taken over the world” warning – but our story quickly ends with a memorable shot of Barry and Robinson clutching each other within a dusty church. This is an exciting and fun disaster flick that Spielberg grew up adoring – he’s used the character name “Sylvia” several times in homage of his favorite scream queen Robinson – but he could have learned something from it. No matter how bad things get, the audience should have at least a little hope. What’s the purpose of an inevitable victory if you don’t enjoy the struggle to get there?

THE LUCKY ONE

title: THE LUCKY ONE
year: 2012
cast: Zac Efron, Taylor Schilling
rating: **1/2

At the end of TREASURE OF THE SIERRA MADRE, Tim Holt sets off for Texas to visit the wife of slain Bruce Bennett. This always seemed an intriguing premise. Years later... change wife to sister and you've got THE LUCKY ONE centering on a U.S. Marine in the Middle East who, on the battlefield, finds a picture of a beautiful blond that ends up saving his life – he picks it up just outside the perimeter where a bomb goes off. Once back home, suffering the aftereffects of war (ala flashback editing), he sets off with his German shepherd to find that special someone who was his “angel in hell.” Logan winds up in Louisiana and meets Beth, an assertive beauty running a dog shelter – more of a dream camp for wayward hounds. But she doesn’t trust this stranger one bit; those shiny blue eyes permeating within a stern elfin countenance just aren't enough. But this is one snag for our hero, who still can’t explain the reason for his visit. He soon meets Beth’s ex husband (and father of an utterly delightful son born of every mainstream film). Local cop Keith, the biggest jerk in history and as one-dimensional as they get, wants Logan out of town. And using every bully tactic in the book – including blackmail – he tries his best (or worst) to make that happen. But most of the film centers on Beth slowly defrosting to the mysterious stranger – inevitably leading to steamy generic sex scenes. Although chemistry between newly-buff Zac Efron and lithe damsel Taylor Schilling works best when they’re not getting along. And it’s Blythe Danner as Beth’s wise mother, providing sly input every time her daughter can’t make a decision, who grounds this chick flick that, while going on too long and resulting in a predictable conclusion, isn’t that bad. Guys forced to watch this with their girlfriends or wives are the real lucky ones; at least it ain't THE VOW or THE NOTEBOOK.

TWILIGHT ZONE: THE MOVIE

year: 1983 cast: Vic Morrow, John Lithgow, Dan Aykroyd rating: ***1/2

The tragic deaths of actor Vic Morrow and two children aside, this theatrical version of Rod Serling’s groundbreaking television series has many other problems. The first story, directed by John Landis, centers on Morrow as a racist jerk spouting epitaphs in a bar – overheard by a group of tough African American dudes who, if they only beat him up once he walked out the door, would have deleted any need for the character’s descent into various historical settings where racism reigned.

Vic Morrow in his final role

From walking a ledge as a Jew in Nazi Germany to sloshing through swamps as a Vietnamese native, Morrow discovers sticks and stones have nothing on words. The story itself is somewhat intriguing – you’ll wonder what’ll happen next – but the ultimate punishment of the main character, as unlikable as he might be, is too forced and would have been much different had there been no helicopter accident, since the character would have learned a lesson and saved those children.

Scatman Crothers kicks the can

The worst of the lot is Steven Spielberg’s KICK THE CAN. Making for an eerily nostalgic fable on the original series, this take is a mushy melodramatic tale of rest home old-timers who yearn for youth. The discontented coots turn into youngsters that seem part of a corny stage play.

The child actors, instead of simply being children, are doing imitations of their older selves, so the entire episode feels like a parody. Veteran icon Scatman Crothers, as the mysterious traveler who wields the magic, tries his best but to no avail.

Bart Simpson's voice actress stalked by killer cartoons

Leading to the third entry as THE HOWLING director Joe Dante re-imagines one of the coolest episodes of the original series. Remember Billy Mumy as a sinister child holding his family, and the residents of a small town, at bay with evil powers to send chosen people into the Cornfield? The boy this time around is, like the director himself, heavily into cartoons. His house has a TV in each room and his family makes sure everything goes his way. When the maniacal brat brings home a beautiful passerby (Kathleen Quinlin), she witnesses this strange behavior.

Although it can get too bizarre for its own good, Dante builds suspense nicely, setting a taut vibe where anything can happen – including the actress who’d later voice Bart Simpson being hunted by demonic cartoons: inside a television set!

The Monster on the wing in the best segment

Leading to the last, and by far the best, episode: John Lithgow (reprising William Shatner) as a man terrified to fly. Stuck on a plane during a raging lighting-packed thunderstorm, he sporadically witnesses a scheming creature on the wing.

MAD MAX director George Miller paints an intense canvas. From the claustrophobic fuselage to the storm-struck exterior where the monster wreaks havoc: each element adds nightmarish touches of one man’s descent into a personal hell. Lithgow turns-in the best performance, balancing manic desperation and edgy pathos, eventually facing off with the sinister ALIEN-looking Gremlin.

Dan Aykroyd and Albert Brooks discuss pop culture

And although Landis's first story fails in content, his prologue/epilogue involving hitchhiker Dan Aykroyd getting a ride from nice guy Albert Brooks – jovially discussing old TV shows like THE OUTER LIMITS and, yes, THE TWILIGHT ZONE – is both humorous and ultimately intense, leading to a terrific twist ending: Making you forget the first half was a complete throwaway.

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FIRST DOG

title: FIRST DOG
year: 2010
cast: Eric Roberts, Tiny Lister, Little Bear
rating: **1/2

Eric Roberts plays the type of Hollywood-created dream President that should never have to win a second term. With a lovely wife, a cute dog, and a public stance on Global Warming, who’ll dare to run against him? Now back to that FIRST DOG. Teddy, played by Little Bear, is an adorable highly professional Blue Heeler owned and trained by the film’s director, Bryan Michael Stoller. Little Bear has the making of a real canine star – each expression is (or seems) heartfelt and personal, especially when, after an assignation attempt at his owner, he gets loose and is found by a melancholy foster child who can’t fit in anywhere. Danny, played by newcomer John-Paul Howard, finds a particular solace with the lost mutt. Both feel abandoned, accidentally or otherwise; but thankfully there’s a phone number on Teddy’s American Flag tag leading to The White House. After a failed attempt to call-in the recovery, Danny and Teddy hitchhike to Washington, making this a bonafide road movie. While some of the characters along the way, from bickering car-crashing teens to a dangerous gun-wielding white trash couple… And situations like our doggy hero almost getting a lethal injection at the pound… might not be suitable for really young children, perhaps a more logical target audience are pre-teens (or near pre-teens) young enough to learn something and not too old to shrug off a boy-and-his-dog tale. And adults can enjoy the suspense, which the director wields nicely. Tiny Lister’s working class truck driver is a friendly protagonist on the journey, Eric Robert’s wife Eliza is the kindhearted First Lady, and while you may yearn for more input from Teddy as a solo character with more obstacles to overcome alone, like any faithful best friend he’s always there, with a soulful glance and even a smile, to make Danny – and his quest for a home and purpose – really matter.

WELCOME TO MOOSEPORT

title: WELCOME TO MOOSEPORT
year: 2004
cast: Gene Hackman, Ray Romano
rating: **1/2

While it’s depressing this light comedy – the first theatrical vehicle for sitcom star/comedian Ray Romano – might be Gene Hackman’s last movie (he’s been retired ever since), it’s not that bad. Romano plays an everyman plumber in the small snowy town of Mooseport, Maine. He has a girlfriend that wants more of his time. Maura Tierney provides the essential talent to keep the ever-loving-Ray, whose Kermit the Frog voice and mundane charm fares much better on television, propped up on the big screen. As does Gene Hackman, perfect for the role of a newly retired President of the United States, seeming both important and a “man of the people.” Cut to the plotline: Romano and Hackman both decide to run for mayor. The president has the edge but it’s a Catch-22: the media stalks his fledgling campaign with nationwide coverage. The best scenes involve Hackman and Romano trying to beat each other for the position. One needs to be funnier, the other more professional. And it’s easier to root for Hackman – he’s got more to loose while Ray seems a bit too contented in his breezy life. Except his girlfriend’s possible romance with the Prez gets under his skin, allowing him a little space to perform. And although you’ll see the turnout for miles – that is, who each character winds up with romantically – the actual election results has a few surprising twists. Not terrible, not great – and a weak swan song for a cinematic legend.

COLD STEEL

title: COLD STEEL
year: 1987
cast: Brad Davis, Sharon Stone
rating: ***1/2

Sometimes those unknown flicks that seem straight-to-video or befitting a light night cable channel can be very entertaining.

Billed purely as a Sharon Stone vehicle since her career escalated in the nineties, COLD STEEL is driven by Brad Davis as a cop whose friends and family are murdered around him.

On the peripheral is Iceman, a villain living up to his name and the film's title. Much like any thug played by cinema-heavy Jonathan Banks (the henchman in BEVERLY HILLS COP that gets food on his face) he's formidable, frightening, and with a robotic voice-box in his throat, each pre-kill threat has a creepy and sinister vibe. As Davis and his comic-relief partner venture from one near-death situation to the next, the suspense builds nicely.

One car chase in particular, starting on the streets and winding up in the middle of a stock car race, is just as good as any big venue mainstream action flick. And who’s he chasing?

None other than 80's music staple Adam Ant as Iceman’s hyperactive limey partner – providing a terrific balance of overboard zany and lethal menace.

"I feel bigger with a trigger," Ant's Mick says at one point. And last but not least our DVD cover girl Sharon Stone, whose gorgeous blond ingenue enters our hero’s life so breezily you’ll know there's something  under her sleeve.

Okay fine, so it’s not THE FRENCH CONNECTION, but for an unknown underdog cop thriller, this has bite.

CATWOMAN

year: 2004 cast: Halle Berry, Sharon Stone rating: ** camp value: ****

“I’m a woman; I’m used to doing all kinds of things I don’t wanna do.” Although Sharon Stone’s prancing villain speaks these ironic words, perhaps actress Halle Berry should have. This is an awful movie loaded with unintentional hilarity. Berry plays Patience Philips, a different kind of comic book loser than we’re used to. Meek, humble, totally gorgeous and scared of her own shadow, Philips is lured to her apartment ledge to save a cat. She’s rescued by gallant cop who sees instant potential in this distressed damsel – perhaps it’s her supermodel appearance. Cut to the important stuff: Patience, an underling at a cosmetics corporation headed by Sharon Stone and her husband... distributing non-aging makeup with bad long-term effects... takes a package to the factory and, for no apparent reason, is hunted and killed by goons. Now her life, or um, death changes everything. Revived by the same feline that’d lured her to the edge, Patience becomes Catwoman: a lithe vixen climbing walls and leaping around at will. Whenever Berry provides her feline traits – like hissing in the face of adversaries or sensuously purring dialog – the film goes from vapid to pure camp cinema. In fact this entire adaptation of the Batman heroine, with horrendously corny dialog and limp action sequences pumped by a techno/R&B soundtrack, constantly reminds us we’re not supposed to laugh. Making CATWOMAN an iconic howler the likes of SHOWGIRLS and any other guilty pleasure.

LOCKOUT

title: LOCKOUT
year: 2012
cast: Guy Pearce, Maggie Grace
rating: ***

Take John Carpenter’s ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK, the sci-fi classic about a rogue prisoner given a dangerous assignment to rescue the President of the United States, held hostage at a prison ruled by lethal inmates. That prison was of course a futuristic New York City and here it’s a giant spaceship floating above earth. And the President’s daughter is taken this time around. That’s about all the similarities other than the main character Snow who, like Kurt Russell’s Snake Plisskin, is a hardened tough guy but with a personality more Don Rickles than Clint Eastwood. Cracking wise at any given moment, whether during an interrogation beating or fighting for his life against the lunatic inmates, Guy Pearce makes a likable antihero but his jokes aren't that funny. And much too plentiful. Then again so is the action, making up for a clichéd “rescue the damsel” script: and his co-star's no slouch. LOST actress Maggie Grace plays the captured ingénue with prowess and strength, providing decent chemistry with Pearce – even if their bickering, in the style of Han Solo and Princess Leia, can get forced and repetitive. At a short running time, LOCKOUT goes in one eye and out the other – and that’s not a bad thing. The suspense mounts till the very end when the film’s McGuffin (an important plot device that the audience ignores), a briefcase that can prove Snow's innocence, means little after all the good stuff i.e. mindlessly enjoyable action is put to bed.

THE CABIN IN THE WOODS

year: 2012 cast: Kristin Connoly, Chris Hemsworth rating: ***

Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote: “Talent may frolic and juggle; genius realizes and adds.” And while this dark comedy/partial satire on horror flicks isn’t completely on the genius level, director Drew Goddard and producer Joss Whedon definitely add to the young-people-in-the-woods slasher/horror genre.

The doomed youth consist of the standard ingredients: the virgin girl; the slutty girl; the jock dude; the nice dude; and the comic relief stoner. They venture to a woodsy cabin, watched by something other than crazy hillbillies.

A group of "businessman" view the entire trip on high-tech monitors as the youngsters inadvertently follow the slasher elements: happening upon a device that awakens the particular “beasts” that try killing them off.

Meanwhile, the office people – more down to earth than creepy or sinister – are having a betting pool party of it. These include Bradley Whitford, who’s made a career playing conceited weenies since REVENGE OF THE NERDS II, and Oscar nominated actor Richard Jenkins, both funny as the adults we cut back and forth to.

And in fear of giving too much away, the movie has worthwhile humor, effective chills, and interesting characters to invest in: especially the sole survivor (or survivors) of the first two acts.

It's during the fast-paced final thirty minutes, as multiple nightmares are unleashed on climactic levels, you’ll either get with the program or wonder if the writers took themselves, and their beloved body count genre, far too seriously.

Either way – this is an experience: It's up to you to decide exactly what kind.

THE THREE STOOGES

year: 2012 cast: Sean Hayes, Chris Diamantopoulos, Will Sasso  rating: ***

Taking the main plot straight from THE BLUES BROTHERS, our titular heroes, born and raised in a Catholic orphanage, head out to the big city to collect money to save their home. But that’s skipping ahead.

Beginning with the Stooges as infants and cutting ten years later, things start a bit shaky. The child actors provide an intentional imitation die hard fans pray won’t occur once the boys grow up. But not to worry; these Stooges do alright.

When not performing the patented slapdash stunts – including the fingers in the eyes and the hollow konk on the head – the talents of Chris Diamantopoulos as Moe, Sean Hayes as Larry, and Will Sasso as Curly shine through.

Moe has the best expressions, Larry does the closest imitation of the original voice, and Curly provides the funniest one-liners. Sight gags are fast and furious in the style of AIRPLANE and there's an interesting plot-point: Hired to kill the rich husband of a villainous bombshell, whose shady lover/partner suffers the Wile E. Coyote syndrome of near death pratfalls, the Stooges silly antics have purpose.

Set up in three acts with title cards and a quick running time, the abundant slapstick never gets tiresome. Thankfully, this THREE STOOGES isn’t the Farrelly Brothers upgrading to the “toilet humor” of the modern comedy. You can take your kids along – and there’s even a strange “Don’t Try This At Home” segment during the end credits. And hopefully they don’t try a sequel. It was played safe here and succeeded, but let’s not push it, fellas. 

NO STRINGS ATTACHED

title: NO STRINGS ATTACHED
year: 2011
cast: Ashton Kutcher, Natalie Portman
rating: **

Remember when the Vietnam drama PLATOON came out and there was FULL METAL JACKET to counter it? Or ARMAGEDDON dealing with a giant Earthbound meteor shadowed by DEEP IMPACT? While the subject of friends having sex without consequence isn't quite in the same league as battles and asteroids, there's a lot to be said for this Cinema Siamese Twin syndrome. Like the Justin Timberlake/Mila Kunis FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS, a movie that not only adheres to the plotline but is named after it, NO STRINGS ATTACHED takes a much different approach. Not really about two people trying to remain friends through random sexual encounters, this deals with a troubled girl who can't commit and the sappy dude who wants what he can't have. Directed by comedy veteran Ivan Reitman, the only resemblance to his past work is that it begins at summer camp. But this ain't no MEATBALLS, GHOSTBUSTERS, or even KINDERGARTEN COP for that matter. The plot meanders from one dull situation to the next, resulting in an abundance of navel-gazing by a sulky Kutcher who, the son of a famous actor, wants to make a name for himself scriptwriting a show that makes GLEE seem creative. Natalie Portman tries her best but has so many quirks, she's not a person to root for. Making a handsome millionaire a more relatable character. Although the first half has potential... the duo's chemistry isn't all bad... the deeper Kutcher falls in love, the worse things get for himself and the audience.

THE SWITCH

title: THE SWITCH
year: 2010
cast: Jason Bateman, Jennifer Aniston
rating: **

For a Romantic Comedy, THE SWITCH lacks humor and is about as romantic as sleet on a windshield. Jason Bateman is a nice guy in love with Jennifer Aniston, his best friend who really wants a baby. She winds up finding Mr. Right, a married doctor with blue eyes and a great future, who donates sperm – and she throws a party for the occasion! This makes Bateman really sad and what’s a heartbroken guy to do but get drunk. He winds up in her bathroom where the doctor’s “loaded cup” rests on the sink. He causes it to spill and... being flustered and intoxicated… replaces the contents with his own. Skip a few years later: Aniston has a brooding son who takes life way too seriously. with more hang-ups than even the most neurotic adults. Most of the film has Bateman hanging out with the kid and slowly realizing it might be his own – a double insult since both characters aren't very likable. Meanwhile Aniston, taking a back seat throughout, has decided to marry the donor doc, now divorced and ready to raise his son to be an athletic optimist like himself. There’s decent chemistry between Bateman and Aniston as friends in a dilemma (even though she doesn’t realize it yet), but when the kid enters the picture, everything goes to pot.  He’s just too annoying to care about. And the predictable resolution is not only a much too easy out for Bateman’s original deception, but makes Aniston’s character look vapid and weak.

FANTASTIC MR. FOX

title: FANTASTIC MR. FOX
year: 2012
cast: George Clooney
rating: ***

Having grown up with the Rankin/Bass stop-motion animation, there’s an energetic dreamlike quality that brings back FANTASTIC memories when watching MR. FOX. Based on the book by Ronald Dahl, this unique fable centers on a classy group of human like animals who forget they’re wild beasts. Except Fox, a dapper "family man" who can’t exist without exerting his true nature of stealing chickens from locals – three big farm/corporations owned by greedy cutthroat jerks. The best scenes have Fox on stealthily missions with his dimwitted opossum sidekick: bringing chicken dinners home to his wife, teenage son and visiting nephew. George Clooney’s deadpan voice fits the character well enough; he doesn't falter when his wife (voiced by Meryl Streep) starts figuring the content of his moonlit excursions. It’s too bad the evil farmers also catch wind of Fox, making the last half a bit ponderous. When the bad guys move in, Fox Family and Friends tunnel into the sewers and eventually fight back against the bad guys, which sounds more exciting than it actually is. Director Wes Anderson lets his hipster-laden artistic side, which includes pointless jingles and relentless navel gazing, distract what began as a fun, lightweight adventure.

THE TOWERING INFERNO

year: 1974 cast: Steve McQueen, Paul Newman rating: ****

The mother of disaster films, THE TOWERING INFERNO still holds up. Paul Newman and Steve McQueen… or the other way around… Steve’s name is first but Paul’s higher on the screen… Both icons play on two sides of the coin: Newman’s an architect whose giant glass creation catches on fire from within thanks to Richard Chamberlain’s bad judgments to cut costs.

The nefarious Chamberlain is the scapegoat of all scapegoats as his tycoon stepfather William Holden runs the show: his wealthy party guests on the top floor celebrating the building’s grand opening.

The first forty minutes sets up the situation – the employees figuring out the problem exists – as the characters are fleshed-out in an involving soap opera fashion: Newman and gorgeous Faye Dunaway love each other and Newman wants to get away from it all. Robert Wagner and his sexy secretary have a secret tryst while Fred Astaire’s conning Jennifer Jones, who has two grandchildren including Bobby Brady (Mike Lookinland).

There are too many guest stars to mention (not to forget O.J. Simpson as a building employee who saves a cat’s life) but once the fires out of control everyone’s stuck in the penthouse as the flames rise – and here’s where Steve McQueen takes over.

Playing the chief of the fire department, McQueen provides his usual cool but is just as vulnerable. One memorably nail-biting scene has him lowered from a helicopter to bring a derailed elevator to safety.

KING KONG director John Guillermin provides taut interior scenes, making the inhabitants and audience feel the impending claustrophobic doom, while writer/producer Irwin Allen directs the intense rescue outside. A perfect mix of melodrama and action.

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BROADWAY DANNY ROSE

year: 1984 cast: Woody Allen, Mia Farrow, Nick Apollo Forte rating: ****1/2

Not only one of Woody Allen’s best and most stylish films, but with a performance going outside the box. While the hardworking but low rent New York talent agent Danny Rose,  whose quirky clients – from a balloon folder to a blind xylophone player to a parrot pecking songs on a piano – does embody the usual Woody Allen nervousness and quick release of one-liners, they don't seem meant as punchlines and there’s a kindhearted, fervently optimistic side you see won’t in other Allen protagonists: He really cares about humanity.

Amongst the bouquet of bottom-barrel acts, he has one client who might have a future. Hefty lounge singer Lou Canova had his fifteen minutes long ago yet the nostalgia craze reignites interest. Danny, who’ll do anything to make sure Lou succeeds at an imperative performance, picks up his feisty good luck charm Tina for the show – only she’s pissed at Lou’s infidelity: he’s got other lover beside Tina (and his wife). Danny tails her to a party full of mobsters where he, mistaken as Tina’s lover by a jealous Italian, becomes a marked man.

The best scenes have Danny and Tina pursued by bloodthirsty goons. As the unlikely duo get to know each other, we learn Tina had suggested Lou leave Rose and seek higher ground – something that’s happened to Danny with other acts.

The gorgeous black and white cinematography’s enhanced by various inserts of people’s reactions – from lounge audiences to party goers, mobsters to parade floats. The entire story's told by Sandy Baron at a Delicatessen to his comic pals, providing a documentary-style legitimacy: making Rose an underdog folk hero.

And while Farrow plays the guiltless moll with perfection, and this being Danny and Tina’s time-racing adventure, Nick Apollo Forte’s genuinely cozy charm as the singing/songwriting Lou Canova ultimately steals the show.

CONGO

title: CONGO
year: 1995
cast: Laura Linney, Ernie Hudson
rating: *

The worst Michael Crichton adaptation ever; this makes the abysmal SPHERE seem like JURASSIC PARK.

We begin with a failed expedition to find... something mysterious in Africa. A corporation sends Laura Linney to discover where the missing team went. She's joined by an ape researcher and his, through a technical back strap, talking gorilla Amy.

Tim Curry, as a Romanian capitalist with greed pouring through his veins, joins the group. And Ernie Hudson tries his best as the adventurous guide as they go from one limp peril to the next: from a plane ride tailed by heat seeking missiles to a nighttime hippo attack resembling Disneyland's Jungle Cruise – and not even that exciting.

The plodding trek leads to a city built around a diamond mine, protected by killer albino apes that not only seem like men leaping around in gorilla suits, but are men leaping around in gorilla suits. Yet Amy actually looks realistic, but her forced sentimentality to manipulate audience adoration makes one yearn to throw a banana-grenade in her path, and hopefully her annoyingly idealistic trainer, played by a dull Dylan Walsh, is beside her.

Director Frank Marshall was on a roll after ALIVE and ARACHNOPHOBIA, but he overshot here and failed miserably.

AMERICAN REUNION

title: AMERICAN REUNION
year: 2012
cast: Jason Biggs, Sean William Scott
rating: **1/2

AMERICAN REUNION can make a forty-something feel pretty damn old. The original classic was homage to the sex comedies of the 1980s, a celebration of an era long past, and now the ‘90s are nostalgic. Plot centers on the obvious but this has little to do with the reunion itself. Unlike the sequels, the whole gang’s back this time. Jim’s still married to Michelle with a baby boy and both seek their own form of – let’s call it personal pleasure. Their sex life has hit the skids while the overly nice and now bearded Kevin’s marriage is just fine, except when Vicky’s around. Oz is a semi famous sportscaster who did a reality TV dance more embarrassing than Jim’s viral video, and his old flame Heather’s got a successful doctor as a boyfriend. Sleepy-eyed Finch claims to be an adventurous journeyman while the fan favorite, Stifler, despite working an office job still loves to party. And he wants his grownup buddies to return to their old ways, first at a lake replete with high school chicks – including a sexpot Jim once babysat who wants him worse than he wanted pie – and then at his house party where Jim’s dad hooks up with Stifler’s mother. And with the running around not much really happens. The jokes are either dull or overboard (keeping up with the Apatow), and most of the characters seem like sticks in the mud (i.e. adults) except Stifler who, reveling as the scene-stealing jester, eventually has to grow up. Shannon Elizabeth, Natasha Lyonne and "The Shermanator" provide unnecessary cameos. And while there’s a relaxing quality seeing all the kids back together, they need something to lose – like the first time around. (Be sure to stay seated during the end credits for Jim's dad, Eugene Levy, on an awkward first date.)

ARACHNOPHOBIA

title: ARACHNOPHOBIA
year: 1990
cast: Jeff Daniels
rating: ****

Director Frank Marshall, a Steven Spielberg protégé, teams up with his mentor for this spider version of JAWS. But the first ten minutes provides a RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK déjà vu as renowned arachnid expert Julian Sands ventures into South America to discover a new form of creepy-crawlies. Along for the ride’s a fat reluctant photographer who’s so nervous and timid you know he’ll buy the farm. Not only that but one of the formidable spiders, that can paralyze and kill victims in one bite, hitches a coffin ride to a small town back in America, where Jeff Daniels and his family have just moved in. Daniels is a big city doctor with a fear of spiders (like Roy Schieder’s Chief Brody hated the water) and since the local doctor won’t retire, Daniels has few patients. And everyone he diagnoses dies later – a mystery to everyone but the audience. Director Frank Marshall uses real life spiders (before the CGI revolution) and the camera glides in the Spielberg fashion so we feel death is around every corner and crevice. John Goodman’s goofy exterminator tries too hard for laughs, providing comic relief where it’s not entirely necessary. The movie has a lightweight dark comedy vibe, like GREMLINS, but can be serious too – those leggy beasts sure wreak havoc. A finale bout between Daniels, facing his fear in droves within a wine seller, is fantastic as the Oscar nominated actor, now best known for being the DUMB of DUMBER, balances naiveté, humor, and intensity – fitting perfectly within this tour de force of creature features that, although borrowing from many other films, has it’s own creepy pulse throughout. [And to check out some of the FAMILY TIES cast, including Michael J Fox,  being attacked by spiders: CLICK HERE.]

MANHATTAN MURDER MYSTERY

title: MANHATTAN MURDER MYSTERY
year: 1993
cast: Woody Allen, Diane Keaton
rating: *

This frantic comedy, released during the tumultuous tabloid scandal between Woody Allen and Mia Farrow, is co-scripted by Marshall Brickman, Allen's writing partner for MANHATTAN and ANNIE HALL, the latter originally conceived as a murder mystery before reimagined as the rom-com we know and love, and here’s a double-whammy collaboration: Diane Keaton, Woody’s co-star/love interest during the seventies, also returns to the iconic director's canon. And the results are disastrous. Allen and Keaton play a THIN MAN “Nick and Nora” like couple who meet their elderly neighbors – a seemingly normal stamp collecting coot and his talkative wife. The wife dies and the husband doesn’t seem very jaded. Keaton, desperately attempting to ignite a dull script, investigates the possible murder, which at first seems a long shot. When she's not tailing the accused through New York, or teaming up with her charming playwright friend (Alan Alda), the film consists of tedious dialog between Allen and Keaton, whose chemistry is, to quote Alvy Singer in ANNIE HALL, “A dead shark.” Allen delivers flat one-liners like a sleepy clown after the circus has let out. And when the convoluted mystery's solved there’s still twenty minutes to figure out what exactly? Although the climax, mirroring Orson Welle’s THE LADY FROM SHANGHAI using clips of the famous Fun House sequence, is a clever twist, the rest is a failed class reunion. And even worse than the chicken at Tresky's.

SALMON FISHING IN THE YEMEN

title: SALMON FISHING IN THE YEMEN
year: 2011
cast: Ewan McGregor, Emily Blunt
rating: ***

If you think the title, also the plotline, is preposterous and farfetched so does the main character… at first. Ewan McGregor plays Dr. Jones, a fishery expert in England given a task to help a kindhearted Sheik – whose dream is to introduce fly-fishing to the desert: a sport he feels can bring people together. Scenes between the Sheik and McGregor talking shop knee deep in a river, two polar opposites with a shared love for fishing, are reminiscent of Burt Lancaster and Peter Riegert in LOCAL HERO, both films sharing the "man out of his element" theme (and HERO co-stars Ewan's uncle, Denis Lawson). Yet with likable characters including a frantic scene-stealing Kristin Scott Thomas as the head honcho shaping up the deal, Emily Blunt as the “middlewoman” beauty who talks Jones into the gig, and a fat office jerk i.e. comic relief scapegoat given the seemingly impossible task of moving fish from England to the desert, SALMON FISHING IN THE YEMEN lacks the quirky magic of the title. Everything seems too normal while 11th hour snags, including sabotage at the makeshift fishing site and Blunt’s military boyfriend's return as she falls for McGregor, are resolved too quickly. But for a breezy ninety minute stretch, this works just fine. McGregor’s mellow charm will make you believe the impossible, and there are gorgeous underwater shots of the Salmon – the real protagonists.

3:10 TO YUMA

title: 3:10 TO YUMA
year: 2007
cast: Russell Crowe, Christian Bale
rating: ***1/2

Hurray, they got a modern Western right while treating an Elmore Leonard cowboy flick with the grim gusto of his source novel. Full of twists and bloody gunfights, this is a suspenseful tale of an injured debt-burdened rancher Dan Evans who witnesses a massacre involving an outlaw, Ben Wade, and his gang of seedy, stage coach robbing thugs. Christian Bale as Evans exudes the right amount slowburn pathos for a burdened protagonist, allowing Russell Crowe’s Wade, a cross between Clint Eastwood, Lee Van Cleef, and Hannibal Lector, to steal the show. While in transit to a small town where a 3:10 train will take the captured Wade to Yuma prison, the lawmen have to keep the Bible-reciting villain out of their heads. He can play with any mind if you let him, and cut throats too. Crowe displays a cool murky charm, especially in conversations with Stevens and his young son, who aren’t sure if a heart resides beneath that iron skin. There’s a constant feeling that anything can happen, and the best scenes occur before arriving at the town where, holed up in a hotel, Wade’s men (including an ultraviolent Ben Foster) arrive to free their boss in a somewhat typical showdown. But it’s all pretty great "Neo Noir Western" stuff from start to finish.

JEFF, WHO LIVES AT HOME

title: JEFF, WHO LIVES AT HOME
year: 2012
cast: Jason Segal, Ed Helms
rating: ***

Poor M. Night Shyamalan – his iconic twist ending from THE SIX SENSE was already outed in an Adam Sandler film, and now his SIGNS finale is detailed right off the bat by Jason Segel as Jeff, a pot-smoking underachiever who… that’s right… lives at home. But surprisingly enough this titular aspect has little to do with the story.

Feeling everything in the universe is connected, and after dialing a “significant” wrong number, Jeff ventures on an errand but finds himself involved in the personal life of his shallow brother Pat, played by Ed Helms, who has a brand new Porsche and a possibly cheating wife (Judy Greer, the cheated-on in THE DESCENDANTS).

Investigating the tryst, both brothers tail Pat’s wife and her guy friend to a restaurant and motel. These scenes provide funny and suspenseful moments between two characters that couldn’t be more different.

On the peripheral, Susan Sarandon, as their office-working single mother, receives a string of secret admirer instant messages on her computer. Then, out of nowhere, both stories hit a sappy life-affirming wall.

And yet, despite a cop-out conclusion, this indie film, like the main protagonist, has a scruffy heart in the right place. It’s just too bad the characters didn’t remain in the dark for longer.

WRATH OF THE TITANS

title: WRATH OF THE TITANS
year: 2012
cast: Sam Worthington
rating: **

Although Greek Mythology has been around a long, long time before 1977’s STAR WARS, there are similarities in this tale of Perseus, the demi-god son of Zeus – the bearded God captured in the underworld by his evil son Ares and his brother, Hades. The STAR WARS connections include the basic plot of a rural fisherman (and a band of cronies) on a quest to rescue an important figure from the bad guys (farm boy rescuing a princess). And at the doorstop of the netherworld, a slab closes slowly – the good guys have just enough time to jump through to save their lives. After which they fall into a pit where, soon enough, the walls start closing in (trash compactor). Skipping to the finale battle with a giant Hell Beast, Kronos, Perseus and his black horse ride into the monstrosity where an exact hit, in a precise location, will destroy it completely (Death Star). Simularities between fathers and sons and power and greed, and all that other stuff could be in any myth or fable, but if you take away a quick battle with gigantic Cyclops men and a few bouts between Perseus and Ares, there’s not much here at all. And as one character tries to lighten the wrath with rogue comic-relief bravado, Toby Kebbell’s Arengor (Han Solo), slacker son of Poseidon, gets lost in a mesh of computer animation without a real plot. Perhaps THE MAZE OF HADES would have been a more befitting title – most of the time our heroes try getting into, and then out of, the underworld: replete with flashy but underwhelming 3D effects. And while the end provides a big bombastic battle to make up for the lack of story, there’s too much exposition about gods and titans and not enough cool little fights leading to the big one.