WHITE WATER SUMMER

title: WHITE WATER SUMMER
year: 1987
cast: Kevin Bacon, Sean Astin, Matt Adler, Charles Siebert
rating: *1/2

Sean Astin is a quiet nerd whose parents allow Kevin Bacon, as a drifter recruiting kids for a "life changing" outdoor trip, to take him... and four other pre-teens... to the mountains. Sounds like a setup to a horror film, and it should have been. Bacon becomes a partial menace and pushes the kids into being real men: surviving rapids, clumsy bridges, thunderstorms and climbing mountains without his aid: yet he's never threatening enough to merit any suspense. But the real problem is the distracting, sporadic narration by a slightly older, longer-haired Sean Astin who, hanging out by a hammock: stares into the camera and tells us what we already know (obviously a post-production decision). So what could have been fun nonsense is just a time-wasting mess.

THE PAPER CHASE

title: THE PAPER CHASE

year: 1974

cast: Timothy Bottoms, John Houseman, Lindsay Wagner, James Naughton
rating: **1/2

Any scenes involving Timothy Bottoms and fellow law students in a big lecture hall dealing with strict professor John Houseman (who won an Oscar), is terrific. And scenes with Bottoms and pals in the claustrophobic dorm, working to keep sane in a study group despite the progressing angst derived from their classroom experience, are okay. But when Lindsay Wagner is introduced way too quick (and easy) as a love interest, things go by the wayside: the banal dialog overriding what's really important, and what this film should have dealt with entirely: a battle of wits between the young students and the aged professor. Everything else leads the witness to a daytime soap, and not a very good one.

INNOCENT BLOOD

title: INNOCENT BLOOD
year: 1992

cast: Anne Parillaud, Anthony LaPaglia, Robert Loggia

rating: **

Clever premise with good beginnings. A sexy, hungry french Vampire (Anne Parillaud) in America sets her sights on the mafia led by kingpin Robert Loggia... a clever gag has her being repelled by Loggia's breath before she bits him... he's Italian, therefore reeking of garlic. Our anti-heroine bloodsucker, while feasting on various evil mobsters, falls in love with undercover cop Anthony LaPalgia while they both try stopping Loggia, who's not only head of the mob but now a powerful vamp. John Landis, returning to horror a decade after AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON, balances humor and horror okay, but there's not enough going for either genre: unlike the Werewolf classic, it's neither very scary, or very funny. The choice of the vamps screeching like rabid cougars is pretty lame. And in the Landis fashion, there are many clips of other classic movies being watched on television by various characters, but homage becomes too excessive: making one long for those films instead.

THE BIG PICTURE

title: THE BIG PICTURE
year: 1989
cast: Kevin Bacon, Emily Longstreth, Martin Short
rating: ***

Christopher Guest's first directorial effort isn't a mockumentary, but the ambitions are similar: going "backstage" in Hollywood with an award-winning student filmmaker, played with astute naivete by Kevin Bacon, given an opportunity to write and direct a real movie. The late J.T. Walsh is a vapid studio head constantly altering Bacon's dream-film storyline, and since his idiotic alterations often seem more logical than our hero's pretentious concept, it's never clear if Guest's satirizing the young artist or the big bad executive - or who we should agree with. Bacon's arc from promising hopeful to a selfish young protegee is great, but once he falls by the wayside, losing his job and girlfriend, lackluster melodrama ensues. But Guest's creativity shines throughout, mixing surreal perspective with an insider's view of Hollywood THE PLAYER would get credit for later on. And Martin Short's flamboyant agent character provides a memorable scene, as does a music video by fictional band "Pez People," written and performed by Guest and fellow Spinal Tapper Michael McKean.

FLETCH LIVES

title: FLETCH LIVES
year: 1989
cast: Chevy Chase
rating: *

Fletch is back, and he's angry, irritable, and not funny. Too bad because the first FLETCH is Chevy Chase's best, and funniest, film. Unlike the previous plot-line, which had interesting villains connected to a nifty L.A. Film Noir plot, Fletch quits his job and heads South (his dead aunt left him a dilapidated yet sought-after mansion) where he takes on hillbillies, racists, and religious zealots. His disguises range from a white-haired cleaning lady to a televangelist: all impossible to imagine anyone falling for. And before leaving L.A., when Fletch crosses paths with his ex-wife's lawyer (George Wyner) and newspaper editor (Richard Libertini), his humorously glib indifference is bitter and downright aggressive (continuing for the rest of the film). By far one of the crappiest sequels of all time.

THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN

title: THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN

year: 1974

cast: Roger Moore, Christopher Lee, Maud Adams, Britt Ekland

rating: ****

Categorized as a weak 007, this is a very entertaining mid-70's action flick doing for the kung fu genre what LIVE AND LET DIE did for blaxploitation: jumping on the right band wagon at the right time. Christopher Lee, as the main villain, doesn't sit around philosophising about ruling the world; as a rogue assassin he does his own dirty work... Golden gun in hand, he's got one bullet for Bond: and with gorgeous, unfaithful moll Maude Adams (who'd later turn up in OCTOPUSSY), faithful dwarf servant Hervé Vellechaize, and a giant sun ray in a deserted island, Roger Moore has lots to do: including the aforementioned karate fights, boat chases, car chases, and best of all, a quick-draw Western-style showdown replacing a usually overlong bombastic finale.

MAN OF THE HOUSE

title: MAN OF THE HOUSE

year: 1995

cast: Chevy Chase, Farrah Fawcett, Jonathan Taylor Thomas

rating: *1/2

If there's ever a debate on the most annoying kid in a live-action Disney film, it would be Jonathan Taylor Thomas as a whining, politically-correct punk making his new step-dad... Or rather, his mother's newly moved-in boyfriend's life a complete hell. Chevy Chase, stiff and unfunny, is a lawyer trying his best to deal with this insufferable jerk by learning the right ways to recycle, not sleeping with girlfriend Farrah Fawcett, and last but not least, joining The Indian Guides: becoming a complete ass and still not winning-over his hopeful future son. There's a side-story about mobster's trying to kill Chase, which eventually connects on a weekend camping trip where predictable bonding occurs. If you don't mind cringing for ninety-minutes straight, this is for you.

DIRTY WORK

title: DIRTY WORK
year: 1998
cast: Norm MacDonald, Artie Lange, Jack Warden, Chris Farley
rating: **

Okay, so this is one of the worst comedies ever made. And Norm MacDonald, while being a hilarious standup, can't act a lick. But he surrounds himself with hilarious and talented actors including Chris Farley in his last role: as a frustrated barfly without a nose; Don Rickles as an insult-spouting theater owner; and Jack Warden as the father of Artie Lange, Norm's fat, and very unfunny sidekick, both lifelong pals who go into the revenge business: taking on pompous corporate villain Chris MacDonald. Lame jokes abound, but somehow, in a very strange way, you'll be drawn in: thinking it couldn't possibly get any worse... which it does, but maybe that's the point all along.

MODERN PROBLEMS

year: 1981 cast: Chevy Chase, Patty D'Arbanville, Mary Kay Place rating: ***

Chevy Chase is an air traffic controller who's having... problems.

First off, his convertible's been keyed. But that's nothing compared to the nuclear waste spilled from a truck, allowing him to move things at will: derived from the frustration of his girlfriend leaving.

Before he gets his powers, Chase's character is a victim of the circumstance of everyone on earth, including his crippled friend, his ex wife and ex girlfriend and a famous self-help author, are all better off than him. Then when Chase wields powers with irresponsible glee... while more zany than funny... is completely entertaining.

But the third act, taking place at a friend's summer home with his ex and the wickedly charming Dabney Coleman, Chevy's spells go overboard: leaving the characters, and audience, to deal with those quirky once-sporadic "gifts" instead of enjoying them.

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CLASS

title: CLASS

year: 1983

cast: Rob Lowe, Andrew McCarthy, Jacqueline Bisset, John Cusack rating: ***

Two movies in one. The first has Andrew McCarthy as a shy freshman at a strict Ivy League college, meeting confident rich kid Rob Lowe and dealing with his practical jokes. The second has McCarthy, after striking out with girls his age, hitting the big city with Lowe's money and advice: to find a real woman and get laid. Well he does, but with Lowe's mother: gorgeous forty-year old Jacqueline Bisset. And while the sex scenes are overlong and overdone, as if they remade THE GRADUATE more steamy than implied, the May/August relationship is involving. But when both stories collide... McCarthy and Bisset hiding the truth from her son, and his best friend... things get overcomplicated: making one yearn for that first movie dealing with college life banality.

TRANSYLVANIA 6-5000

title: TRANSYLVANIA 6-5000

year: 1985

cast: Jeff Goldblum, Ed Begley Jr., Geena Davis, Jeffery Jones

rating: *1/2

Jeff Goldblum and Ed Begley Jr. are funny guys sharing similiar traits: both are tall, gawky, glib, and likable. Problem is, as a team-up, the duo needs a third party. In this case, the gap entails a bevy of character-actors trying to out-funny each other and our reluctant heroes: two reporters investigating a monster-sighting in Transylvania... Goldblum doesn't believe it, Begley wants it to be true. And all the goofy locals, including Michael Richards, Carol Kane, Jeffery Jones, and sexy vampire Geena Davis, come and go like characters in a high school play, deleting any camaraderie the two leads might have had otherwise. Critic Leonard Maltin gave a short review of this: "It stunk." An understatement.

BIG TROUBLE

title: BIG TROUBLE

year: 1986

cast: Peter Falk, Alan Arkin, Beverly D'Angelo, Charles Durning

rating: **

This is John Cassavete's last film, but not really. As a replacement for another director, he was helping friends Peter Falk and Alan Arkin in this remake of DOUBLE INDEMNITY, seeming more like a limp sequel to THE IN-LAWS. Arkin, an insurance adjuster, wanting his sons to attend Yale, reluctantly teams with Beverly D'Angelo to kill her supposedly dying husband and... well if you saw the Fred McMurray Noir classic: the plan involves a train, a corpse, and a big payoff. There's no real sign of Cassavete's style, other than a ton of closeups and obvious actor improvisation, which is the problem. A film like this might have worked as a mainstream buddy caper, but ended up a failed indie.

PHYSICAL EVIDENCE

title: PHYSICAL EVIDENCE
year: 1989
cast: Burt Reynolds, Theresa Russell, Ned Beatty, Ted McKinley
rating: **1/2

Burt Reynolds is a good cop that seems so guilty, he simply can't be... can he? It's up to climber D.A. Theresa Russell to find who killed an unpopular snitch all the cops despise, especially Reynolds, who'd not only threatened this man, but taped it. Like Hitchcock's FRENZY, the protagonist seems guiltier and guiltier because of his own mistakes and miscalculations. So while Michael Crichton's a master novelist, his directorial career is pretty good: but this one's merely average. And Russell, who's great in STRAIGHT TIME and BLACK WIDOW, gives one of the worst, and unintentionally hilarious, performances of all time. But Burt holds it together, as does fellow DELIVERANCE alumni Ned Beatty as the prosecuting attorney with a much too easy gig.

SPIES LIKE US

title: SPIES LIKE US
year: 1986
cast: Chevy Chase, Dan Aykroyd, Donna Dixon, James Daughton
rating: **1/2

This mid-eighties John Landis comedy has Chevy Chase and Dan Aykroyd as two Washington slackers sent as pawns into Pakistan and Russia. There are a few good moments and a semi-involving adventure, just not many real laughs. Scenes where the boys train as paratroopers in America, and first sent on their mission, exceeds the finale involving a hidden nuclear missile. Landis busily juggles homages of the "Road To" movies (Bob Hope provides a cameo), "Lawrence of Arabia" and (the now dated) cold war espionage, forgetting that a comedy should be more funny than significant. But the real problem are our two leads: while both are likable, it's never clear which is the straight man and which is the goofball. And prepare for the worst closing credit song ever: written and performed by, sadly, a former Beatle.

MEN AT WORK

title: MEN AT WORK
year: 1990
cast: Emilio Estevez, Charlie Sheen, Keith David, John Getz
rating: **

Emilio Estevez wrote and directed this comedy about two trash men, himself and brother Charlie Sheen. Both are confident, drunken losers, womanizers or unlucky in love, and have no purpose whatsoever. Until they find the corpse of a slain politician and, with the aid of grumpy boss Keith David (Charlie's PLATOON alumni), they end up trying to rid of the body while being chased by the mob. If only the film didn't quickly abandon the characters, adhering to several plots taken from sources as varied as REAR WINDOW and WEEKEND AT BERNIES, then it might be more... comedic. But there's simply too much running around, and not enough banal camaraderie that any slacker flick deserves.

NEIGHBORS

title: NEIGHBORS
year: 1981
cast: John Belushi, Dan Aykroyd, Cathy Moriarty, Kathryn Walker
rating: ***

John Belushi's last film is unique, to say the very least. And the least, plot wise, is what it's all about. Belushi, giving a somewhat lazy performance, plays an uptight suburban husband with a bland wife in a big bland house at the end of a rural col de sac, and wacky Dan Aykroyd and Cathy Moriarty move in next door: making Belushi's existence, through the course of one night - as well as the audience's ninety minute experience - a tedious, unbearable, yet somehow strangely addicting ride. It's an everything goes wrong kinda thing, but there's too much bizarre intrusion to make the ordinary domestic setting seem real in the first place. And Bill Conti's soundtrack, sounding like a Bugs Bunny cartoon from hell, adds insult to injury: traipsing along with the antics so there are no surprises. But despite the many flaws, it's all very intoxicating somehow.

BLACK WIDOW

title: BLACK WIDOW

year: 1987

cast: Debra Winger, Theresa, Russell, Dennis Hopper, Terry O'Quinn

rating: ***1/2

Bob Raefelson's stylish 80's Film Noir has Debra Winger as a federal agent with a dull job, till she realizes how many millionaires are dying of sudden "accidental heart attacks": all over forty and married to young brides. Turns out there's only one bride in the form of gorgeous Theresa Russell, intricately wielding each distinct murder (hubbies include Dennis Hopper and Nicol Williamson) with Winger on her trail: then colliding in the third act as both leads meet in Hawaii, where spider's found a new, and very sympathetic, fly. An underrated yarn, using key elements of Noir and Hitchcock, never loses sight of how fun it is to root for the villain.

THE YAKUZA

title: THE YAKUZA

year: 1974

cast: Robert Mitchum, Brian Keith, Ken Takakura, Richard Jordan

rating: *1/2

It's amazing that the creator of CHINATOWN (Robert Towne), teamed-up with the genius behind TAXI DRIVER (Paul Schrader), could devise a script with zero entertainment value: centering on WWII vet Robert Mitchum returning to Japan to rescue a friend's kidnapped daughter. The dialog seems endless, especially between Mitchum and his old Japanese flame. And when action does occur, it feels rushed and awkward, directed by Sydney Pollack with the intensity of a daytime soap. And yet, beyond the miscasting of the usually comedic Herb Edelman, and the waste of Mitchum and Brian Keith's talents, Japanese actor Ken Takakura, as the only character with any purpose (or power), has potential: but is stuck in the wrong film to use it.

THE FLY (1986)

title: THE FLY

year: 1986

cast: Jeff Goldblum, Geena Davis, John Getz, Joy Boushel

rating: ***1/2

Jeff Goldblum was born to play Seth Brundle, a scientist on the verge of teleporting humans from one pod to another. The skinny, sarcastic actor displays both dramatic talent and a muscular build: proving he's more than comic relief. But it's prior to the inevitable metamorphosis from man to bug, as Goldblum, with Geena Davis as his journalist girlfriend, sweats over the scientific process... and eventually tests it on himself, gaining a mysterious gust of energy... that things really roll. It's too bad director David Cronenberg goes overboard with grotesque makeup, not only hindering the overall suspense but the lead performance as well. But it's all pretty good, and proof that some remakes do actually work.

THE BLUE LAGOON

title: THE BLUE LAGOON

year: 1980

cast: Brooke Shields, Christopher Atkins

rating: **1/2

Semi-decent till the two children, shipwreckled on an island with old fat cook Leo McKern, grow up as Brooke Shields and Christopher Atkins, delivering lines like porn stars with a similar plot line: yet there's an overlong build-up to the enviable consummation, and not enough adventure to the other side of the island, which McKern, who died when they were children, warned about. Then, when our Swiss Family Adam and Eve have a baby, things really wane. But despite the flaws and cornball dialog, you'll be drawn-in somehow: if not for curiosity's sake.

HOT TUB TIME MACHINE

year: 2010 cast: John Cusack, Rob Cordroy, Chevy Chase rating: **

Time travel flicks are usually intriguing, and a trip to the 1980s seems a good premise, but unlike BACK TO THE FUTURE, in which Michael J. Fox is thrust into the '50s, the four characters here (including John Cusack) returning to the "Reagan era" is more catharsis than nostalgia.

Using a hot tub in a broken down ski resort hotel, the dudes... three in their forties, one in his twenties... are sent back to the same resort when things were swinging. They have to party hard (like before) without screwing up the time continuum.

Memorable 80s stuff like new wave and hair-band music, leg warmers, and one-dimensional bullies do little to jolt endearing memories of that era, or effectively parody it: which would have made a better film. These self-described losers could have gone back to any decade and still be miserable.

Yet despite the many flaws, there's some semi-funny moments. And a cameo by KARATE KID villain William Zabka is a plus.

THE OTHER GUYS

title: THE OTHER GUYS
year: 2010
cast: Mark Wahlberg, Will Farrell, Michael Keaton, Eva Mendes, Samuel L. Jackson
rating: **1/2

There have been so many buddy cop movies throughout the years, any new attempt is usually tongue-in-cheek satire: a plot riding backseat to what makes the genre work: the contrary personalities of the duo and how they bicker back and forth, eventually making up to take on, and then defeat, the villain. This is no different, giving ample time for Mark Walhberg, as a frustrated, hard-boiled jerk who wants to make a difference, and mellow, passive desk-jockey Will Farrell, to clash and clash some more. Farrell does his usual clueless, sweet-natured airhead while Walhberg tries his best to counterbalance with sporadic intensity, making up for the fact his role, if more comedic, could have fit John C. Reilly. Not bad, and not too great, but entertaining enough to wile away the time.

BEING JOHN MALKOVICH

title: BEING JOHN MALKOVICH
year: 1999
cast: John Cusack, Cameron Diaz, John Malkovich
rating: **1/2

While this film remains creatively weird the whole way through, it's only the first half that works effectively. John Cusack, as an unsuccessful puppeteer hired to work on floor 7 1/2 of a mysterious building where the ceilings are very low, discovers a portal leading to the brain of John Malkovich, allowing anyone who enters a fifteen minute tour through the actor's eyes. It's when Cusack, in lust with his fellow employee and married to a sweet-natured scientist, becoming pawn of a love triangle in which Malkovich's body is a sexual vessel, that the intriguing mind-trip becomes a bit too convoluted. Yet it is all very unique... And the casting of Charlie Sheen as Malkovich's buddy/voice of reason is very timely, and more ironic now than ever.

GUNN

title: GUNN
year: 1967
cast: Craig Stevens, Laura Devon, Sherry Jackson, Ed Asner
rating: ***

Maligned for not being faithful, or equalling in quality, the black and white TV series created by Blake Edwards and William Peter Blatty about secret agent Peter Gunn, but this is an entertaining film that takes the spy genre to a laidback, late sixties aura (with bright vivid colors) and is never boring. Craig Stevens reprises the title role but for his age, being practically attacked by gorgeous babes like Sherry Jackson and Laura Devon seems a bit forced: but he's got that glib James Bond cool the lady's love. There are a few nice twists and always the next thing (discussed in previous scenes) for Gunn to survive, and the audience to anticipate.

LUNCH WAGON

title: LUNCH WAGON

year: 1981

cast: Pamela Jean Bryant, Rosanne Katon, Dale Bozzio

rating: **

Oh, if only the director knew... having a movie where three sexy bikini-clad girls "inherit" a lunch truck and serve horny construction workers; then hang around a nightclub with Dale Bozzio from "The Missing Persons"... would be good enough: but he had to include a side-story involving zany villains robbing a warehouse, proving a plot can only hinder a film titled LUNCH WAGON. As for the important aspects: the girls are hot, the acting's not altogether terrible, and don't let the 80's date fool ya: this is a 70's style breezy/cheesy exploitation (reminiscent of THE SWINGING CHEERLEADERS and THE VAN) that almost stinks beautifully when not attempting to mean something.